I've started and abandoned this post many times. Here goes.
I am opening up about a subject that has been very sensitive for me. The more children I have had, the harder it is for me to talk about the miscarriages. Because of the number of children I have, some people are very insensitive about the subject at this point. "Maybe God is telling you that you have enough.", "You've probably hurt your body having so many already." (The fact is, I'm healthy and there is no reason I can't have more.), "You have so many already. You probably should just stop anyway.", "At least you have a bunch of kids already." on and on and on... Then of course there are the people who disagree with you having a large family to begin with, that like to twist the knife.
The reality is, it's hard for us too. It's hard, even when you already have children. It's hard, even when you have several children. When you really want another child and you lose a pregnancy, it hurts. Period.
I've been SO fortunate to have the children that I do. I love them more than anything and they are my entire world. I know how lucky I am. I know there are women who ache for even one child and I hurt for them.
My husband and I want more children. I'm not saying we want 20 of them, but I know we want at least 1 or 2 more. Over the years we have had a few miscarriages. They were all early, so I have been very fortunate to not experience late term miscarriages. I imagine they are harder to deal with for many reasons. They still take a toll emotionally, though. It's still so sad to see those positive tests, to be excited and starts thinking about names and all of the exciting things that come with a new baby... and then lose that baby. It's so sad
My last miscarriage was almost a year ago. A year ago today, I got the first set of positive pregnancy tests. I got positives for a few more days after and then I started bleeding. We have been wanting another baby and despite it being early, it was still sad. I didn't tell anyone at all, at first. Then I told a few family members and friends after a while. My husband never told anyone. While I was experiencing the miscarriage, 2 women who I had thought were "friends", were publicly harassing me over my desire to have more children. They are nasty people and I'll never forget how much worse they made me feel.
I was sad. I'm still sad. I think it's harder to "get over" when you keep it to yourself like it's a dirty secret. 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so why does is still have such a stigma? Why does it have an even bigger stigma when you already have a few children? I think opening up about it is the only way for it to get better. It's hard going through it with no support. It feels lonely.
It's hard for us too. Even those of us with 6 children.