Friday, August 9, 2013

I'm screwing up

I'm screwing up and I know it. I need to fix it. Not like a monumental oh. em. gee. kind of screwing up, but the subtle kind that I imagine could do the most damage in the long run.

My life right now is full of things that I have no control over. My husband's work schedule is grueling, which sucks for him and it sucks for us here, we've been struggling with infertility for *looks at calender* 22 months now (I have almost zero emotional support for this) and we have a set of neighbors who are literally out to get me (Like really... making stuff up to cause problems).

But like I was saying... I'm screwing up. With all of these things that are out of my control, I am just wishing the days away. The days turn into weeks. The weeks turn into years. I have days where I really do see the beauty in my life and I thoroughly enjoy all of the little things with my children. I look at their freckles, their blue eyes, listen to their laugh... I take it all in. But then I have days, too many days, where I am just wanting the day to be over because I am so tired of being alone and taking care of the kids, the meals, the house... almost everything here... alone. I constantly think how I "can't wait" for the next 5-ish years to be over, so my husband can retire and we can live a more normal life. A life where we actually get to see him and I feel much less like a single mother. Then I realize, I am wishing away 5 years of my childrens childhood. My older boys will be teens... nearly adults. That realization is gut wrenching.

I NEED to focus on all of the beautiful things in my life. I need to slow down and enjoy each day with my children. I need to let the negative things that I can't control go and not dominate my life. This is a lot harder than it sounds and I know that, but I know I need to do it. I need to stop screwing up. My kids deserve better. *I* deserve better. I am going to make a conscious effort to allow myself to be sucked into the beautiful moments with my family. I'm going to smile. I'm going to be happy. When my children grow up, I don't want to feel like I wished the years away and missed everything. I don't want them to ever feel like they had anything less than a happy, loving mother. Their Dad is already missing so much of it, their mother, who is right here, can't miss it too.

I'm pissed at my broken body, I'm pissed at people who have nothing better to do than try to hurt others and I'm pissed at the Navy for taking my husband away from us so much, but I can't let those things overwhelm me anymore.


3 comments:

Mrs. B said...

I feel almost exactly the same way!! Minus the neighbor problem. We've been trying for almost 4 years and still no baby. I am so thankful we're FINALLY on shore duty so I can see a fertility specialist but ugh it sucks. I'm always here if you need to talk!!!

StaceyN said...

I think you are so amazing and I know your kids feel the same. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do as long as you don't let it control your life. Have a good cry once in awhile. Feel sorry for how cruddy things can be and then get up and try again. As for your neighbors I have no help with that. I can't imagine having to deal with such cruddy people around me and I wish I could be your neighbor instead. I'd LOVE to have you as my neighbor!

IMakeLotsOfBabies said...

I'm sorry Mrs. B! I think I'm going to end up having to wait for shore as well :(. I hope we both get what we are wanting soon <3.

Thanks Stacey, I wish you were my neighbor! Lol