Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Just Thinking

I'm sitting here a little down, missing my husband and annoyed that my husband's sister is a wack-a-doo, having her friends spread lies and be hateful toward us for no reason. I guess it makes her feel good? Who knows. 

Anyway. I'm just doing a lot of thinking. We're trying to mentally prepare for my husband to be leaving soon. We have spent the last 2 years with an incredibly difficult schedule (he is basically never here anyway) and that leads into him going to sea. It's part of his job, but still makes us so sad. My husband is very literally my best friend. He is the one person who completely gets me and accepts me and loves me for exactly who I am, just the way I am. My quirkiness is part of why he loves me.

I am thinking about how I have never quite felt like I fit... anywhere. I have a handful of people who I consider friends and I care about them and I think they care about me. But I still don't feel like I "fit", which leads to me feeling pretty lonely. I just feel like an outsider over all. I am *so* thankful for the people who can accept that we are Atheist and still love us even though they are devout Christians and those who aren't bothered by my piercings or funky hair. I just wish I felt like I fit and can still be me. I removed my piercings years ago because I thought it would help, but I have realized it's just me, not my appearance really. Over the years that I have been a Navy Wife, I have become close to a few people who wound up really hurting me in the end. So I think there is a degree of fear also.

For the most part I'm an open book. I am honest to a fault. I am loyal to a fault sometimes too. I'm generally quiet, but my upfront approach with my thoughts and feelings is abbrasive or a bother to some. That has made me withdraw a bit and be more quiet. I care, feel and love fiercely. That also means I can hold onto past hurt like no other. Hey, I'm far from perfect. On the flip side of that though, I try so hard to show people that I care when I can.

I'm not even entirely sure where I am going with this rambling, really. So I apologize for the mental vomit here before you.

I never thought that at my age I would still feel so out of place. I know I am not the best friend a person could have. But I really honestly have so much on my plate. I just hope people realize I don't mean to be so absent. I am so very happy with the things that do keep my plate full though. I guess I just wish I wasn't left with a lonely outsider feeling when my husband, my best friend, can't be around.

My final thought.... What kind of fulfillment do people get from hurting others intentionally? Are there actually people who get the "warm fuzzies" from talking badly about others, making up lies and just being hateful? Those are the people I don't ever want to fit in with, if so.

Thanks for reading my rambling. I love you all :).


StaceyN said...

Oh Hun I'm so sorry you have had people treat you the way they have. I honestly think you are an amazing person and I wish I could live near you! I think you are wonderful and beautiful inside and out. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend! Oh and I absolutely love your hair!! Piercings don't bother me at all I just don't really have much myself. haha Stay strong sweetie and I'm here if you ever need to talk. <3

IMakeLotsOfBabies said...

Thank you Stacie <3.

IMakeLotsOfBabies said...

Stacey* dang phone lol.

StaceyN said...

You're very welcome! I meant every word. <3