Tuesday, May 15, 2018

That one time that trying to wax myself went all wrong

So there was this one time, many years ago, that I thought I'd try to wax myself. I like to keep everything all clean in certain places and shaving is annoying (I need to be super smooth, so I shave daily). But the thought of having a stranger wax my nether-region is really just not my thing. So I had this brilliant idea that I'd give it a go myself. I'm not afraid of pain, so I figured, how difficult can it be? Well, I found out the hard way.

I went on the hunt for the best hair removing wax that the local drug store had to offer. After reading several different options, I had made a decision and I was well on my way to a smooth, hair-free bod. That's what I thought anyway. I was so excited to try this out when I got home, because the thought of not shaving every day was appealing. I read the directions more than once to make sure I knew what I was doing. I even did some online reading so I felt extra confident that I could rock this out. I'M A FREAKING BEAST. I'VE GOT THIS!

I didn't have this.

Here I am, locked away in our little half bathroom of our sad little rented townhouse (We're talking like 10 years and 3 kids ago), ready to roll. I begin to apply the wax and then attempt to use the strips to remove the hair. This was proving to be a lot harder than it initially sounded. I was struggling to get it to remove anything. In fact, the strips weren't even removing the wax really. I had even double checked the wax temp and all. I continued and became increasingly frustrated with this incredible hair removing failure. That's when everything went wrong. I lost my balance and in catching myself, managed to glue my inner thigh to my crotch with wax. And let me tell you, It was STUCK. So here I am alone in this tiny room, no bottoms on and now unable to even put my right leg on the floor because my thigh is glued to my crotch.

I began to have a mini panic attack because there was no way I was seeking help. My husband was gone (Yay, Navy), the babies were asleep and I was alone otherwise. I began to tug at the seemingly gorilla glue strength wax that had fixed my thigh to my crotch. My skin stretched more than I knew was humanly possible, but stayed firmly glued together. While struggling with this, I lost my balance and fell into the wall, still hobbling on one foot. With my face smashed into the wall, I just stood still for a moment in defeat. But then I came back into reality realizing that I can't just stay like that and I needed to fix this. Again, I started tugging my skin apart from the glue. Here I was thinking... I can't call 911... you don't call 911 for something like this. But what if I don't ever get unstuck and then I just die in here, mostly from embarrassment, or course. They are going to find my body like this and wonder what the hell kind of fetish business was going on.

I eventually unglued myself, but there I was left with dried, cold wax firmly suck to my skin. I spent the next couple of hours in a hot tub and using oil to pry/peel/scrape the wax off. I even resorted to using the razor to help get it off. I WAS FREE!!! FINALLY!

Guess what I've never done again? Flipping waxed myself. I don't even wax my brows! I use tweezers....

The moral of the story my friends? I don't even know.... I'm sure plenty of people can wax themselves like a pro. But I am not one of those people. And despite it being over a decade ago, I'm still too traumatized to try it again. So the razor company of my choice still gets a small fortune from me.